You can let the girls out

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. I love celebrating with my family, and the food is great.

And man, my cousin Rachel, I just crave her juicy, juicy breasts. No doubt I am the world's biggest breast man, white meat all the way.

My mouth is watering as I think about her holding her huge melons. Most folks say they're the biggest in the county. Her cantaloupes are like ambrosia in my mouth. Tremendous grapefruits, and meaty white coconuts. It takes a man a while before he learns how to handle his cousin's coconuts the right way.

My cousin's just incredible melons

This picture highlights her true assets, what a great big heart!

In the morning there in the country the milk wagon comes around. Honk honk. My cuz'd get excited and I'd come out on her front porch, the crisp morning air filling our lungs as I grabbed a couple of jugs. G-d's own milk bottles they were!

And oh my gosh her cupcakes were wonderful, her melt-in-your-mouth muffins, her smile so wide, the twins were even gushing!

My heart started pounding my chest like a couple of Danny DeVito goombas in an alley, bombs and bazookas, and I felt a little mixed up like in that Abbott and Costello routine. It was utter? udder? madness - I always forget how that word is spelled.

Jeez sorry I totally got off topic, as I was starting to tell you that Thanksgiving used to be my favorite holiday. That's because last Sunday was the second annual National Go Topless Day.


Once the holiday gains some corporate recognition, perhaps anywhere from AAA through 4H, it's bound to take off



Needless to say, this holiday is the absolute tits. At work we decided on Hooters to celebrate, that place really brings it double barrel. Double plus plus I was going with Dolly from accounting - what a pair!...Fred and Ethel together.

Hooters is a tacky joint no doubt, the kind of place with hubcaps hanging everywhere. But I'll say right now there is no better spot anywhere if you are a man who truly appreciates huge cans, or bottles. A man learns quick the right way to twist a bottle or suck on a can at that kind of place.

Anyways I'm heading for the mountains when Thelma and Louise, these pair of boobs from payroll, show up. What yahoos, I swear. All these airbags talk about are their Hummers.

"Thelma I have two Winnebagos with brand new Goodyear snowtires."

"Really Louise well the grillwork on my Volvo magnificently highlights my classic Italian hood ornament," and blah blah blah who really cares.

(They are actually both jealous because I have an incredible motorboat). They've been begging me to show it to them, I fire it up and BRBBB-BRRBBB-BRRRBBB chicks really dig it but honestly I hate those itty-bitty palookas that fancy themselves Sir Issaac Newtons, they can be so fake. Big fakes. You can always tell the fake ones.

Apparently some folks actually like their chicken wings

Somehow Dolly managed to get out of there, and then I couldn't miss her headlights through the window. Honk honk. Listen, it's Hooters not Honkers babe, lemme finish my brew. Soon the blinkers and then the highbeams. I set down my beer glass, and we made off like Bonnie and Clyde.

We headed for our spot on the field behind second base and she took out her pair of dirty pillows. Suddenly I was feeling like "no bee bites this time" for me. I went straight for those pillows but pretty soon felt as tired as my uncle Ricky during the second football game on turkey day.

It was starting to get a little nippy when she showed me what she called her "funbags" - at that point her tasty buds just made matters worse to be honest with you. I found myself really craving Ben and Jerry, Mounds with coconut. I could lick that all night I'll tell ya.

Almond Joy has nuts, Mounds does not. I have always lived by this mantra, c'est vrai if you catch my drift out on the ski slopes.

I never really got this show - it just seemed like one boob joke after another to me


I did get a little off base telling you this so sorry it's been like an episode of Twin Peaks. I was going for a Mickey and Minnie thing but wound up with more of a Holmes and Watson kind of deal. It's understandable if you decide to hold anything against me as that was exactly what my cousin Rachel was doing to me last night.

Mostly I just wanted to wish you a Happy Go Topless Day everybody!! By next year I expect it'll be absolutely busting out all over. Ta-ta til then.


Boob slang
Even more boob slang
...

Standing on one leg

There are times when you have to go so bad, you don't care how filthy the bathroom is, or in the case of drunken men, whether or not there is even a toilet available when this wall or -urp- this bottle should do nicely.

I'm talking about number 1 of course, but allow me to digress a moment and talk about the big BM. I myself prefer whenever possible to only drop friends off at the lake in the comfort of my own home, greatly desiring a shower as soon as possible after peeling the black banana.

In the summer I would babysit for the very nice black family up the street and drop the kids off at the Y to go swimming





My friends seem to find this funny, I dunno. I'm just not walking around with an unclean feeling all day every time I drop a duece, blow mud, or feel the need to talk to a man about a horse.

But when you've gotta go real real bad, especially if you're a woman, you would walk into the Texas Chainsaw Massacre bathroom to do your business.

Such was the pee-dicament my lovely young friend from Boston found herself in last Thursday night. Drunk off her pretty little beantown at 3am in downtown Philadelphia she skipped into a 7-11 with the need to go like nobody's business.


The typical American convenience store, perhaps by you folks call it the WaWa, the Stop 'N Go, the Texas Star Investments Travel Stop and Country Store, or the Quik-E-Mart

Mister, will you buy us some beer?




Unfortunately the proprietor would have nothing of it.

But she is pretty, and she was drunk, and being pretty drunk she managed to persuade him to give her the keys to the castle.

3am, Philly, she's liable to find at least two vics in the can, a decapitated corpse, a wino, three needles and a used condom, and every measure of puke and human waste everywhere but in the bowl. Doesn't that tv show, what's it, on Sunday's, maybe CBS, you know that show with the cute blonde, yeah, Cold Case, Cold Case, that's right, that takes place in Philly. Shoot, man, those crimes never get solved until like 19 years later, damn.

But when you gotta go, you gotta go.

And pretty young thing (PYT) unlocks the downtown philly 7-11 unisex bathroom door and filled with apprehension and uneasiness but mostly Coronas she sees this:

The slippers seemed to indicate the presence of a darker spirit,
or perhaps someone whose feet were very cold at night






OK I'm walking out into my 7-11 at night in my slippers, it's so cool I own a 7-11, I'm a litlle buzzed, gonna grab me a bag of Do-Reet-Os, man I got the munchies, that Cold Case is one good show, I wonder what time the ---
damn I forgot it's 7-11 we're freakin' open all the time damn



The next day we got into a huge debate over the mysterious circumstances of the 7-11 in the city. Shag carpeting on the walls, floor, and entire toilet, including the tank. And the slippers, man, what about the slippers.

She was adamant that even in her advanced state of schwaystiness she saw upon close inspection that the entire shag job was hand-upholstered? fitted? stitched? and furthermore no company here or abroad even manufactured such preposterous fittings for a toilet tank.

And I assured her she was wrong.

So I googled it.

I sh*t you not, her birthday, like mine, is right around President's Day in February. I am definitely getting her this:

<-Insert joke about our economy

I bet those filthy Al-Queda bastards have been using a crapper like this in their underground caves for years





Gotta go. No, really.

No, I really have to go. Seriously.

Yes, NOW.


...

Dysthymia

Prior to the meteoric rise in popularity of this blog, that timeframe being pretty much right now and for all of the forseeable future, I am the Internet Manager for two auto dealerships in southeastern Pennsylvania.

And until my droll observations about stuff I googled attracts more followers than just my sister, or my unemployed best friend becomes CEO of more than just a really great sounding project, I am subjugated to my own personal hell in an underpaid job for an unappreciative and abusive boss in a collapsing industry.

And it rained all day today.

This is my boss getting ready for the Auto Show at the Convention Center last year

Those were much happier times for all of us, before the government bailout



Right now nobody I know is very happy. And everyone keeps talking about how noone they know is happy. A low level constant state of depression is about the best you can hope for, although the medication does make a difference most days.

Business has fallen off 40-50% from the same time last year. But today there was excitement in the air, in the rain, in the most miserable sales summer that anyone can remember. It's called Cash for Clunkers.

The problem with the program is that nobody knows anything about it. Customers have been calling in, "Yeah, hi. I carpool to work every day at a slate quarry and I have an older model wood-panelled vehicle that I want to trade in, do I qualify?"


We did wind up taking the customer's vehicle in on trade

It was only later that our used car manager discovered significant frame damage and the holes in the floor


Even at the dealership nobody really had a clue about the program, except for the glimmer of hope. But when Chrysler announced that they would match the government rebate dollar for dollar, it was time to learn a lot more about the rules and regulations.

So, I googled it.



The CAR Allowance Rebate System (CARS) is a $1 billion government program that helps consumers buy or lease a more environmentally-friendly vehicle from a participating dealer when they trade in a less fuel-efficient car or truck. The program is designed to energize the economy; boost auto sales and put safer, cleaner and more fuel-efficient vehicles on the nation's roadways.

Starting on July 27, consumers will be able to take advantage of this program and receive a $3,500 or $4,500 discount from the car dealer when they trade in their old vehicle and purchase or lease a new one. Consumers you do not need to register anywhere or at anytime for this program. However, to find out eligibility requirements click here.

Important Things to Know

---

> Your vehicle must be less than 25 years old on the trade-in date

> Only purchase or lease of new vehicles qualify

> Generally, trade-in vehicles must get 18 or less MPG (some very large pick-up trucks and cargo vans have different requirements

> Trade-in vehicles must be registered and insured continuously for the full year preceding the trade-in

> You don't need a voucher, dealers will apply a credit at purchase

> Program runs through Nov 1, 2009 or when the funds are exhausted, whichever comes first.

> The program requires the scrapping of your eligible trade-in vehicle, and that the dealer disclose to you an estimate of the scrap value of your trade-in. The scrap value, however minimal, will be in addition to the rebate, and not in place of the rebate.

~ cars.gov

...

Volcanic hotness

Yesterday I, like millions of other hardworking American men, used my powerful tool (I'm speaking of google of course) to search for more information on ESPN's Erin Andrews, um, naked pictures.

OK since I wasn't really looking for much information beyond the pictures, I went straight to google's image search which is especially useful when searching for this type of, er, file (you have to turn off safe search first). Excitement built throughout the day when it was revealed that there could be video accompanying the pictures.

An actual view through a peephole, possibly in a hotel room

I bet if they digitally enhance the video you're going to be able to see almost everything



The Baltimore Sun reported that a google search of Erin Andrews, ESPN, naked yielded 61,200 results. On google Trends, Erin Andrews video peep search hotness rating was Volcanic. On google insights, rising searches (!) included Erin Andrews video, Erin Andrews peephole, Erin Andrews hotel, and Erin Andrews thong, all rated as breakout.

And what did I find?

Nothing.

Oh sure there were lots of clothed pictures of Erin Andrews standing on the sidelines in the Big House or down in Gainesville, or doing a hard hitting piece on the origin of the WSU flag. But no video, no peephole, no thong.


But I learned something pretty valuable from google anyway. Even if I did happen to find the video or pictures supposedly posted on a website, many users clicking on the links were unsuspecting victims of spyware or malware or viruses being installed on their computers.

This morning, Erin Andrews Video has a spectacular 10,700,000 results.

But even if I find it I can't click on it.

Erin Andrews Video Virus is up to 93,200 results.

:(

...

Tip of the iceberg

The idea for googled it was born, as have been many of the greatest ideas throughout the history of both Western and Eastern civilization, while waiting for Chinese food.

My order was $17.80. If I gave the guy $20, was that too cheap? There was a delivery charge, but so what? Does the guy even get it? Do you give 15%? 10%? A couple bucks and change is bogus?

Fundamental issue, he knows where I live. If I go too low, I don't want the pu-pu platter next time I order if you get what I'm saying.

Fire makes it good

My best friend always counts each piece and the total number of pieces
and then divides by the number of people and the circumference of the dish
to determine who gets the last half of the crab rangoon
This is true family style eating for both the Chinese and Jewish peoples

Food Service

Barista

No tip required, though many suggest throwing coins into the tip jar.

Bartender

$1/drink (or 15% of total bill). Pre-tip for better service.

Delivery person (including pizza)

10%, $2 minimum (also, also)

Maitre d’

$5-$25 for special efforts

Takeout

No tip required unless something special is done (also, also)

Waiter

15% for adequate service, 20% for exceptional service. For poor service, leave 10% or less. It’s okay to leave nothing for exceptionally poor service, but only if you’re sure it’s the waiter’s fault.

~ getrichslowly.org


The next day, preparing to reheat the leftovers, I stared at a mountain of dirty dishes with nothing to heat the General in (General Tso's - nobody can pronounce it but it is damn tasty chicken). Of course I could just use the plastic container that it came in.

Except I fear heating plastic in the microwave.

I know you should never nuke live animals or tinfoil, but what about a plastic container from No. 1 China of Pennsylvania?


Tests done by the Journal Sentinel, with the help of Dr. Fred Vom Saal, lead us to conclude that it’s not a good idea to use plastic in the microwave.

Ten product containers were tested for BPA leaching, including a Munchkin feeding bowl and a Stouffer’s frozen dinner. The products were either labeled as microwave-safe or were meant to be warmed in a conventional oven. Not surprisingly, BPA was found leaching from every single product, even containers labeled with recycling codes 1, 2, and 5.

As we’ve discussed before, recycling categories should be used as a guideline to help you avoid BPA, polystyrene and PVC. Products labeled with codes 1, 2, 4 or 5 are not guaranteed to be free of hormone-mimicking chemicals.

We had quite an experience with this issue recently when we found out that several Sassy feeding products made from polypropylene (recycling code #5) actually contained small amounts of BPA. It turned out that while the product itself was made from BPA-free plastic, the colorant added did contain BPA. Although it was only present in minute amounts, research has shown that young children are sensitive to its endocrine-disrupting action. Since then, we’ve re-confirmed with each manufacturer that the products we offer at The Soft Landing are indeed BPA-free.

We’ll stick to warming our food in glass. Dr. Vom Saal said it best, “There is no such thing as safe microwaveable plastic.”

~thesoftlandingbaby.com

I wiped off one of my ceramic bowls and placed a plate on top with a little room to vent it. I was hungry, but not for polypropylene poisoning. I'm more comfortable waiting for the spareribs and eggroll to clog my arteries.

...

It's pronounced like 'heed-ron'

Prior to google, my second grade teacher Mrs Graber was the best teacher I ever had.

But could she, within a moment, a blink of an eye, a micromillivanilli second, shorter than it takes me to write one word of this, have answered correctly when my five-year-old niece asked, "What is a three dimensional octagon called?"

A 3-dimensional shape with eight sides would be an octahedron. If you would refer to a 3-dimensional octagon, just call it that, people will understand what you mean.

Or maybe you mean an octagonal prism. That's an octagon, except it is extended into the third dimension by stretching it.

~wiki answers

...

Cite your sources

When I was a kid, besides having to walk five miles through the snow every day to school, the worst thing we ever had to do was write a report and "Cite your sources, you have to cite your sources" in a bibliography.

PS 144 in Queens NY
We actually lived only about a block-and-a-half from school



You had to trudge off to the library and find about five or six books on George Herbert Mead and the roots of Social Pragmatism. First you would have to look up what any of that even meant in the Encyclopedia Britannica.

You'd have to pull the 'M' volume and the 'S' volume and probably the 'P' and check the Sociology entry and then wait to make copies on the only working xerox where you would always get an extra dark copy for a nickel that you couldn't read and probably wouldn't use anyway but you could cite it if you remembered to write the stupid page number down.

You got smart in a hurry, xeroxing that encyclopedia, and the first thing you learned was that the 'S's didn't start at page 1, they started on maybe page 1372. The kind of mistake you cannot afford when you are citing your sources.


G.H. Meade
Honestly I never even heard of him until I posted this but he looks like a pretty cool cat




Worse yet was going to the Encyclopedia shelves and the volumes you needed were missing and you had to use some second-rate source like Compton's or Collier's or Britannica's vastly inferior American cousin the Encyclopedia Americana. Otherwise you would go around and check the desks, maybe some other stupid kid had left it on one of the desks.

You couldn't beat those old machines in output and efficiency

Copies really did cost a nickel that part is true




When you had assembled your books after several detours through the Dewey Decimal System, you would start skimming the two stacks of books on the library desk that were piled higher than your head when you sat down.

For the first time in your tender book reporting life, you were now at kind of a crossroads. Since you had to cite your sources, did that mean that the teacher was actually going to go to the library and check your references? Had they read these same books, or have them back at school or at home? Was there some special Teacher's Edition where they could check your bibliography for accuracy?

Did this mean that you would actually have to write the report?

NY Times reporters excepted, plagiarism in this country is most prevalent amongst school children age 8-12 with a book report due within the next three days.

The first evidence of the Dewey Decimal System was unearthed in Bulgaria and appears to be more than 7000 years old

The original system included maps to each bookshelf, making it easier to locate SOCIOLOGY 971.324 through 973.126



But then, sitting behind your mountain of books and halfway through trying to change the author's words in Miller, David L. (1973) G.H. Mead: Self, Language and the World. University of Chicago Press pp. 62-73, enlightenment came suddenly.

If you were citing your sources anyway, maybe copying directly from the book was a good thing. Maybe it was allowed. Or maybe, just maybe, it was even encouraged?

Bibliography comes from the Latin meaning "you can copy it as long as you cite it". The biblio part actually refers to the first library I believe, the famous one in I think Alexandria where Socrates first cited Plato.

Canfora, Luciano (trans. Martin Ryle) (1989). The Vanished Library. A Wonder of the Ancient World. Berkeley: University of California Press. ISBN.


The modern day book shown alongside its primitive ancestors

Easy to carry home from school in the snow but probably very hard to find if you drop it.


Kids have it so much easier today. Sure copies cost 49 cents a page for black or 89 cents for color but the paper stock at Kinko's is generally much better than library mimeograph paper. No kid I know actually reads books anymore either. I guess you just make sure all your links are working and hand in your Kindle?


...